Flopping Drills

Today, team, we’ll be practicing flopping into into the seated position. A properly executed flop will have you completely airborne. It doesn’t matter how long you are airborne. Neither does your form matter. Judges don’t deduct points for unpointed toes or unpiked legs. No half-twist Salchow camel axels for denters, so don’t worry. You can do this! Find a nice soft landing spot. Suggestions include a king-sized eiderdown duvet folded in quarters, a recently rolled and aired futon mattress, a particularly squooshy sofa, or any seating apparatus manufactured by La-Z-Boy. Make sure you clear the space of small children and little furry animals first. Now grasp your current knitting project firmly in your dominant hand. Remember folks, we’re landing on our tuckuses (tuckii?). Face away from the landing spot and LEAP! Lean back. Lean-lean-lean-lean aaaaaand land. There, great! Oh, good for you, extra points for spearing a hole in the upholstery with one of your knitting needles.

Now keep that up until you can hear a good WHOOMP and see a cloud of dust rise up around you as you land. Get your yardstick and measure that dent. Keep practicing and send me your personal best. Remember that we’re non-competitive though so top ten finishers don’t necessarily make the team for the first Dent Meet. We’ll be drawing names from a watch cap knit from fuscia Patons Canadiana (want your own? Cute patterns abound but I’m too lazy to obtain publishing permissions so google away, denters).

Speaking of current knitting projects (and I was, opening paragraph, following La-Z-Boy reference), mine is a particularly viral intarsia goldfish sweater for my 2 year old. “Viral?” you ask. Yes, the damned thing just won’t go away. It lingers and lingers and lingers. It’s the walking pneumonia of knitting projects. Maybe it’s because I hate intarsia, but this project keeps getting pre-empted for wildly fun stuff like button replacement and hem mending and sweater depilling. I REALLY hate intarsia, people! But 2 Year Old won’t fit into it next year so desperate times call for desperate quantities of Little Penguin Cabernet Shiraz blend. As if little bitty intarsia goldfish weren’t bad enough these wee buggers need French Knot eyeballs and Swiss darned (boy is that technique aptly named) “bubbles”. Intarsia? Swiss darning (a.k.a. duplicate stitch)?? FRENCH KNOTS???

Here’s a photo. Feel my pain.


Those French and Swiss have a lot to answer for. I’m calling for sanctions against the nations who unleashed torturous embellishments upon the unsuspecting crafting world. No more French wine! Just say “No” to Swiss chocolate! And don’t anybody send them French fries or Swiss rolls either, y’hear?

Yes, you’re right. These measures are far too extreme. Maybe we should just sanction the embellishments themselves, eh? Whaddya think? Join me?

You’re the best!