Thursday, October 19, 2006

Flopping Drills

Today, team, we’ll be practicing flopping into into the seated position. A properly executed flop will have you completely airborne. It doesn’t matter how long you are airborne. Neither does your form matter. Judges don’t deduct points for unpointed toes or unpiked legs. No half-twist Salchow camel axels for denters, so don’t worry. You can do this! Find a nice soft landing spot. Suggestions include a king-sized eiderdown duvet folded in quarters, a recently rolled and aired futon mattress, a particularly squooshy sofa, or any seating apparatus manufactured by La-Z-Boy. Make sure you clear the space of small children and little furry animals first. Now grasp your current knitting project firmly in your dominant hand. Remember folks, we’re landing on our tuckuses (tuckii?). Face away from the landing spot and LEAP! Lean back. Lean-lean-lean-lean aaaaaand land. There, great! Oh, good for you, extra points for spearing a hole in the upholstery with one of your knitting needles.

Now keep that up until you can hear a good WHOOMP and see a cloud of dust rise up around
you as you land. Get your yardstick and measure that dent. Keep practicing and send me your personal best. Remember that we’re non-competitive though so top ten finishers don’t necessarily make the team for the first Dent Meet. We’ll be drawing names from a watch cap knit from fuscia Patons Canadiana (want your own? Cute patterns abound but I’m too lazy to obtain publishing permissions so google away, denters).

Speaking of current knitting projects (and I was, opening paragraph, following La-Z-Boy reference), mine is a particularly viral intarsia goldfish sweater for my 2 year old. “Viral?” you ask. Yes, the damned thing just won’t go away. It lingers and lingers and lingers. It’s the walking pneumonia of knitting projects. Maybe it’s because I hate intarsia, but this project keeps getting pre-empted for wildly fun stuff like button replacement and hem mending and sweater depilling. I REALLY hate intarsia, people! But 2 Year Old won’t fit into it next year so desperate times call for desperate quantities of Little Penguin Cabernet Shiraz blend. As if little bitty intarsia goldfish weren’t bad enough these wee buggers need French Knot eyeballs and Swiss darned (boy is that technique aptly named) “bubbles”. Intarsia? Swiss darning (a.k.a. duplicate stitch)?? FRENCH KNOTS???

Here’s a photo. Feel my pain.


Those French and Swiss have a lot to answer for. I’m calling for sanctions against the nations who unleashed torturous embellishments upon the unsuspecting crafting world. No more French wine! Just say “No” to Swiss chocolate! And don’t anybody send them French fries or Swiss rolls either, y’hear?

Yes, you’re right. These measures are far too extreme. Maybe we should just sanction the embellishments themselves, eh? Whaddya think? Join me?

You’re the best!

3 Comments:

At Thursday, October 19, 2006 3:50:00 PM, Blogger NeedleTart said...

Butt Dent: 10" on a holofil quilt (allergic to down, house full of wooden-seated, antique furniture that threatens to collapse under the weight of a 5-year-old). I have the picture, if you need proof. Soooooo sorry about the sweater. I, too, hate (!) instarsia, but don't quite have the same antipathy for duplicate stitch (so long as there's not too much).

 
At Monday, October 23, 2006 1:25:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the picture. I cannot believe how big she has gotten. And the hair is adorable. I admire you for taking on the sweater. How on earth do you find the time. The last time I dug out the knitting I thought dear daugther was occupied with Shrek and I have not been able to knit for about 2 years due to exhaustion and a toddler running the house. I pulled out a pattern for a cute hot pink poncho. I cast on and happily begin knitting. After a few rows I notice that the yarn is not freely flowing and I give it a tug. Still nothing. Thinking it rolled behind the sofa, I look up to see my three year old happily wrapping the yarn around and around her doll house. I give up on the knitting as I discover that the yarn is now tangled in a million knots and has the entire fisher price little people family ensnared, along with a few pieces of furniture. I untangle the doll house and throw the yarn on the sofa for sorting out after the little dear goes to bed. My husband comes in and says what happened and my dear little one replies. "Mommy made a mess"

 
At Thursday, October 26, 2006 11:31:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mary,
Any chance you can artfully arrange the tangled wad of yarn and Little People around your 3 year old and get away with calling it a poncho? Hey, a new craft is invented! Kudos!

 

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