Are You Sitting Down?

As you have probably surmised based on the links at the side of this page, I am an armchair astrologer. Last week brought me a message from the cosmos that is almost eerily textbook. Mercury (the communication planet) was retrograde (bringing messages from the past) in my 5th house (of children, love affairs, and fun) of Scorpio (that malevolent secretive bastard). Are you sitting down? Because, really, this is almost spooky.

The following is annotated with the associated astrology:
Unless you're avid readers of O Magazine and saw my letter to the editor in the March 2004 issue, most of you do not know that 2 Year Old was conceived via in-vitro fertilization. On Wednesday last week I got a bill in the mail (Mercury) from the fertility clinic for crygogenic preservation. Turns out the May 2003 (retrograde) procedure that produced 2 Year Old also produced 3 embryos (5th house) that have been shivering in deep freeze unbeknownst to me because no one bothered (malevolent secretive bastards) to tell me about it.

Nice huh? Just open your mailbox one day, all unsuspecting like, and find out your days of baby-making are, contrary to the accumulation of grey hair, wrinkles and drooping menopot, not at all over. Well, I got hysterical naturally. Wouldn't you?

I have options. Of course I have options! Three of them!

Option The First is to thaw them and dump them. Probably in Boston Harbor, right? Because where else does all the medical waste end up (yeah, yeah, I know, the Jersey shore but it has to start from somewhere).

Option The Second is to donate them to science. In fact, this particular clinic donates to a research project at Harvard which means I could honestly tell people that three of my kids went to an ivy league school. And it didn't cost me a penny!

Option The Third is to thaw them and implant them.

As long as we're so close to election day, let's add another question to the ballot. What should Coach do with her three ice lollies? Use 'em or loose 'em? Harvard the fast, sure and cost-free way or Harvard the long, slow, painful, expensive, against-the odds, only slightly potential but infinitely more entertaining way?

Disclaimer: Lest my husband think he is cut out of the decision loop, I must inform you that none of your votes count for anything because his and mine are the only ones that matter; therefore, this referendum is non-binding. He is probably horrified that I have gone semi-public with what was so recently a source of major anguish for me and for him as well. Because he is himself a Scorpio and is adept at the sign's more sympathetic sensitive side, he will be feeling all of this very deeply. Since he is both a Scorpio and British, he would likely prefer to keep his private personal business exactly that. Private. Secret, in fact. But not, of course, in any way that might be construed as malevolent or bastardly.