Nothing Important, Really

There's a double-pronged problem with this blogging business these days. Not only does the new job leave me little personal time -- though my schedule is nowhere near as punishing as Rae's -- but it just doesn't feel right to spend the first three hours at my desk reading and writing blogs like I used to. Some of my absolute favorite yet impressively prolific blogs have been languishing unread. It's not that I don't care, friends. I do, I do!!! In fact, I care enough to devote quality time, not skimming, to your writings but quality time is a scarce commodity here in Sofaville.

To follow in Rae's footsteps, here's what the workday looks like:
6:00 a.m. Hit snooze.
6:09 a.m. Recite daily "Fuck!" prayer. Switch off alarm. Get out of bed. Stumble downstairs.
6:14 a.m. Recall purpose for standing in kitchen: make lunches.
6:14:15 a.m. Should I make coffee first?
6:14:20 a.m. I'll just get the bread out for the sandwiches.
6:14:25 a.m. I really want some coffee though.
6:14:30 a.m. Where's the ruddy bread? Oh yeah. After recent viewing of annual summer blockbuster Invasion of the Mold Spores Part 17, moved bread to fridge.
6:14:35 a.m. But coffee first.
6:16 a.m. Why am I standing here with the fridge door open?
6:17 a.m. Oh yeah, coffee.
6:20 a.m. First sip of coffee. Thanks Lord Tassimo. You are my master and I your humble slave.
6:21 a.m. Oh crap, yeah, lunches. Need the bread. Where's the bread?
6:45 a.m. Lunches made. Mommy's packed in lunchbag. Jujube's stacked in fridge for Daddy to transfer to lunchbox later. Don't forget spoon for yogurt! Don't want another reminder note from teachers.
6:50 a.m. Decide to head upstairs for shower but Daddy beelines outside to pick mushrooms off lawn.
6:55 a.m. Mommy screams "Can't you do that later?" at Daddy since nobody will hear Jujube wake up if he's outside and Mommy's under running water.

7:00 a.m. Finally in shower.
7:10 a.m. Out of shower and Jujube awake and refusing to go downstairs with Daddy.
7:27 a.m. With Jujube's help, take 17 minutes to complete the five minute task of dressing, making up, donning jewelry including watch because Mommy's a real bee-yotch if she forgets her watch.
7:30 a.m. Out the door. Wave at Daddy and Jujube.
7:32 a.m. Curse first of the string of drivers who will pull out in front of me then proceed 5 mph below speed limit.

8:05 a.m. Arrive in office parking lot. Only 5 minutes late, hooray! Mommy convinces herself it's not the time she left home influencing her arrival time -- it's other factors that will magically vanish tomorrow.

11:30 a.m. Mommy can contain herself no longer; snarfs down peanut butter on wheat with Lowfat Yoplait chaser.

4:00 p.m. Yeah! Begin log off and pack up process.
4:03 p.m. Cube neighbor pops in to socialize, Microsoft shut-down theme tune and brief case draped over Mommy's arm notwithstanding.
4:16 p.m. Peel out of parking lot.
4:41 p.m. Collect Jujube from daycare.

5:15 p.m. Home Sweet Home! Let's see -- play with Jujube or make dinner... hmmm...

6:25 p.m. Daddy arrives home. Mommy looks at watch and exclaims "Oh my gosh! Come on Juju, time for dinner!"
6:30 p.m. Serve nutritious dinner of deli turkey and baked Tostitos with side of uneaten fruit from lunchbox. Daddy's fends for self.

7:10 p.m. Dinner finally terminated by executive decision. Jujube's uneaten food wrapped up by Daddy and stored in fridge.
7:30 p.m. Daddy and Jujube head upstairs for bath or wash and bedtime books.
7:35 p.m. After 5 minute safety window, raid marshmallow bag/Hershey bars bought for s'mores/chocolate chip bag/whatever.
7:36 p.m. Unwrap and throw away uneaten food stored by Daddy.
7:37 p.m. Tackle pile of daily mailings from Fidelity Investments, M&I Bank, Pershing brokerage, Citizens Bank, Oppenheimer funds, Eaton Vance funds, Capital One VISA, MBNA VISA, Bank of America VISA, etc. Daily. Daily mailings. Even though Mommy and Daddy signed up for electronic statements and perspectus. Daily.

8:00 p.m. Tote full bag of shredded and to-be-recycled papers outside.
8:05 p.m. Complete at least one thing on to-do pile.
8:15 p.m. Head upstairs for Bedtime Routine shift.

9:00 p.m. Leave Jujube and brush teeth quick before Mommy can find any more sugar stashes downstairs. Wash face too while at it.
9:13 p.m. Mommy finally descends stairs. Switches on baby monitor.
9:15 p.m. Return upstairs to reassure Jujube neighbor's barking dog cannot no way never ever get into her bedroom.
9:25 p.m. Mommy downstairs for final time. What should she do?
9:26 p.m. OK I'll read.
9:27 p.m. No, log in and check blogs.
9:28 p.m. No, work on novel.
9:29 p.m. Maybe I should call my brother/sister/parents. It's been a while...
9:30 p.m. Plop on sofa with knitting bag and binker. If there's anything good on, Mommy will knit.
9:47 p.m. Confirm after three cycles through all 300 cable channels there is indeed nothing on worth watching. Decide to read instead.
9:50 p.m. Settle into Ikea Poang chair with book du jour. Candles lit. Cool drink sweating on coaster.

10:25 p.m. Awakened by aching neck, decide to just finish this chapter before heading upstairs.

11:00 p.m. Race-walk up the stairs to get into jammies and bed ahead of Daddy because Mommy believes it is intolerably unfair to be the last one in bed at night if she's the first one up in the morning.
11:15 p.m. Mommy settles into bed next to Daddy. Damn bladder. Damn bowels. Damn them to hell.
11:16 p.m. Set alarm 5 minutes earlier every day to gradually adjust brain and body to early rising and, hopefully, eliminate all excuses for not exercising.
11:17 p.m. Pick up nearest reading material to revive that sleepy feeling that vanished during late night call of nature.
11:52 p.m. Mommy finally caves and switches off the light.

2:10 p.m. Awakened by Jujube's night squealings, get up, check Jujube, flop back in bed, realize bladder pressure is just enough Mommy might actually need to go again. Or maybe if she falls asleep quickly, she can just ignore it.
2:16 p.m. Recite daily "shit" prayer and stumble off to bathroom. Remember 80% of time not to flush.
2:20 p.m. Other 20% of time, get up a-GAIN, lift lid on back of toilet to tug shut-off valve that stops water's incessant flowing.

5:55 a.m. Rinse and repeat.

This arrived several weeks ago from Mother of Chaos:






Thanks girlfriend! The feeling's mutual.