Weekend Pastimes

Or, Being Reminded I Volunteered For This Parenting Gig Is In No Way Helpful And Should Probably Never Be Uttered Again In My Presence

In this post we will explore the various ways to entertain a preschooler on a long holiday weekend when one resides many days' drive away from a Disney (C) theme park. Throughout this post, I will be using the feminine personal pronoun. This in no way is meant to imply that the following activities are exclusive to female members of huwomanity. This is an editorial decision simply meant to compensate for centuries of male-centric literary bias so non-female readers should not get their briefs in a bunch about "exclusive language".

1. Take your preschooler grocery shopping. This will be an entertaining and educational occupation unless you have at any time in the past succumbed to the temptation to keep your preschooler quiet by opening a box of Triscuits (TM) that you fully intend to pay for on your way out but forget is actually lodged between her and the six stuffed animals and dollies who have accompanied her on the shopping expedition and are crowded into the child seat of the shopping cart. If at any time in the past you caved into this temptation, while understandable, you must accept that you have irretrievably sullied the grocery expedition as pleasant weekend filling activity until your child is a teenager planning her first post-prom party to be hosted in your basement rec room. In this case, leave your preschooler at home with your spouse and find your moments of Zen after you take ticket number 12 at the deli counter above which the lighted sign reads "Now Serving 71".

2. Drive your preschooler's minivan through the ride-through car wash. Yes, your preschooler's minivan. You wouldn't be driving the damned thing without a preschooler in your possession would you? You would? Oh, well, never mind. Afterward your spouse can spend many nerve frazzling, blood pressure raising minutes trying to wrench open frozen doors hoping foolishly that she may still get to an appointment or workplace meeting on time.

3. While she sleeps, rearrange your preschooler's toys in their designated storage unit. This will provide her hours of quiet solitary play as she enjoys discovering where her favorite items now reside.

4. Art projects. Preschoolers love to paint. Make sure you have a supply of washable tempera paints, a roll of art paper, an ample supply of paper cups to hold the paint, several brushes, a roll or two of paper towel, an art smock, and a ready supply of water. The kitchen is a great place to paint since most kitchens have surfaces that will survive the onslaught of gooey substances that must be washed immediately or otherwise endured permanently. Make sure to line up the preschooler's stuffed animals and dollies in all the kitchen chairs and remove them a fair distance from the painting surface to ensure they remain unadorned. Have your video camera handy because this will be fun! Tie your preschooler's hair up, cover her with the art smock, roll up her sleeve, hand her two brushes and two paper cups with 1/4 inch of paint in the bottom. Now get that camera rolling. Begin to encourage your preschooler by suggesting she try painting certain shapes (circle, square, etc.). When your preschooler wanders away from the painting area, remind her gently but firmly that paint is to stay in the kitchen area. When your preschooler ignores you, begin screeching shrilly to correct her deviant behavior, ensuring your nightmarish parenting skills are captured in digital A/V not only for your child's future therapy sessions but also for your Supernanny or Nanny 911 application videos. Spend the next three weeks wondering how dollies and stuffed animals that were safely secluded all the way across the room happen to be covered in tempera paints that are now not washable.

5. Admit defeat and turn on Noggin.

6. Retreat to the kitchen to bake a loaf of bread. Remind your preschooler that if she doesn't go play in the family room and leave you alone for half an hour, she will starve this week at preschool because there will be nothing to eat for lunch.

7. After your fifth consecutive viewing of On Demand Dora Saves The Prince, shake off your parental guilt anxiety attack, switch off the Sanity Box and crack out the tea party set. Line up all the dollies and stuffed animals in their pretty, brand new, one of a kind, handpainted afternoon apparel. Pour imaginary tea. Serve imaginary scones generously dolloped with imaginary clotted cream and imaginary strawbaby preserves. Let your preschooler remind you just how charming and sweet a child she is. Lull yourself into an inflated sense of your parenting genius.

8. Suggest an excursion to the ryebaby to check out that copy of Madeline Joins The Flea Circus you so admired last time you were there. Bundle your preschooler into her Polartec (TM) fleece and her parka. Stuff her double-socked feet into her beginning to be too small but too late in season to replace winter boots. Hoist her into her car seat in the back of her minivan. Stretch the seat straps over her well padded little self and curse under your breath until you successfully stuff the latch into its clasp. Pause to wipe the sweat from your brow. Now drive to the library, spring your preschooler from her carseat and shuffle her up to the front door. Tug on the door handle. Tug again. Notice the goldenrod sheet tacked to the door stating "Closed for Presidents' Day". Curse again, this time not under your breath. Listen to your preschooler repeat the new word she learned as you shuffle her back to her seat in her minivan. Trips to the ryebaby should always be educational. Accept with grace the horrified glances of the little old ladies who were nowhere to be seen a few minutes ago but are now within earshot of your dear one's new curse word. Vow never to read another Madeline adventure so long as you both shall live.

9. Play the special Mommy hide-and-seek game. Start by being in the same room with your preschooler. Now leave the room. Listen to her shout for you, “Mommy!” Reply with, “I’m here.” The game will proceed as follows:

Preschooler: Mommy!
You: I’m right here!
P: Mommy!
U: I said I’m here!
P: Mommy!
U: I’m in the bathroom!
P: Momma!
U: I’m on the toilet!
P: Momma! Momma! Mommy!
U: WHAT!?!?!
P: Mommy!
U:
P: Mommy!
U:
P: Mummy!
U:
P: Momma!

You can sustain this game as long as you wish. You must, however, be the one who terminates it, as your preschooler is preordained never to quit this one.

10. Put her down for a nap and crack open the 2006 Little Penguin Cabernet-Shiraz blend you've been saving for just such a special occasion. Ignore the fact that you can hear her chattering on the baby monitor. For an hour and a half.

I hope you have found one or more of these suggestions to be helpful. We will return to this subject again in the spring when a whole new set of outdoor entertainments will make themselves available for the enjoyment of you and your preschooler.

Happy Presidents' Day!